It is all thanks to a little paperwork
and a confusion about dates. I thought I had to have stuff submitted
by the end of next week. Turns out it was a week or so ago. So. I've
not graduated, and in order to do so I'd have to enroll for another
semester. When I realized this a few days ago, I was, at first, upset. How could I be so stupid? But almost instantly I also felt happy. I could officially not get the degree after all.
This may sound crazy, given I've spent over 5 years in
graduate school, written a dissertation and successfully defended it. But somehow I don't want the letters PhD stuck after my name. I know this may
sound irrational, but I'm okay with that. Illogically following what
I want and believe is where I want to be right now.
There are several reasons I feel this
way. First, I don't believe in the formal education system broadly. I
was home schooled from first grade through high school. There are a
myriad of different flavors of home schooling, my experience was a
roughly John Holt-ian one, based on the idea that people love to
learn, you don't have to force them to do it, or reward and punish
them with grades, instead simply provide them with opportunities to
learn. I grew up learning and exploring what I love and what
intrigued me, never stopping to wonder if I was smart or stupid or
wishing I could go out and play. Learning was play. Going from that
background to college was a bit of a jolt. I got good grades easily,
but emotionally, I found it draining. I had to carefully mentally
separate the hoops I had to jump through (getting good grades, taking
tests) from the learning that I loved, because college tried very
hard to make it all work, something unpleasant to be avoided. My
diploma isn't hanging on the wall, it is shoved away in some box. I
don't like it. It represents all the stuff I hated about getting my
bachelors degree. The good stuff is knowledge, people, experiences,
which I celebrate every day.
Graduate school happened accidentally
for me. I never planned on going, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to
do next, and it was a job. It was better than undergrad, more focused
on my interests, less emphasis on grades and busy work, but still far
from perfect. I had fun the first couple years, but then rapidly
became disillusioned. When I started, I had promised myself I could
drop out any time I wanted, but once I was there, for reasons beyond
my own interests and needs, I felt caught, like I couldn't leave without hurting other people. I kept myself sane telling myself it
was just a job. Something to pay the bills while I worked on stuff
that genuinely excited me.
Since I've been away from campus,
working full time at home on a whole pile of fascinating projects,
with no grades or irrational hoops to jump through, I've felt my
whole life, my mind, expand. I'm happier, more joyful, more creative,
and feel all the greater distaste for the graduate school experience.
I don't regret the choice to go, it was a decent day job that paid
the bills while I explored, started this blog, and launched many of
my own breeding projects, and I did learn quite a bit. But I deeply
don't believe in it. I've gotten what I wanted out of my time, the
learning, the experiences. I don't want the silly gold star, the
“PhD” after my name. So, in a fit of irrational youthful idealism
and protest, I'm not going to take it. I'm walking away, and I'm
thrilled about it.
17 comments:
Congratulations on not becoming a PhD :)! I love everything about this post, for obvious reasons. I had a very similar moment at the end of my own graduate school career where it turned out the person administrating the dual-degree program hadn't filed the correct paperwork and there was this whole kerfluffle about me maybe having to pay extra or whatever, and I was on the brink of doing exactly what you did -- being like, "fuck this shit, I'm out." Since I'd written my thesis and all, and I just didn't want to jump through one more hoop. It turned out that the whole thing got sorted by the school and I didn't have to pay anything extra, so here I am, MS and MA and all that jazz. But it was a little disappointing, in a way, to have that thrilling moment of feeling like, "I could just walk away from all this," and then not doing it, or not being put in the position of taking that stand after all.
I tried to express that feeling at the time, but it's so hard for other people to understand, if they're not coming from that unschooling/skepticism about the institution of schooling paradigm.
Even if you don't intend to do anything with a PhD, it's still a useful tool for things like getting paid more money for doing the same job, or getting people to take you seriously. I mean, it's your life, and I'm sure you've thought this through and made your decision according to what you want and everything, but the mother in me just has to ask, are you really, really, REALLY sure about this?
Also have to point out that continuing and getting the PhD. means you're prepared for that situation where you're on a plane and some guy in first class collapses and the flight attendants are all, "Is there a doctor on board?" And then you can be like, "I'm a doctor!" and make shit up, and then later on you'll get to tell little kids stories about that one time you killed a guy on a plane with your bare hands, and they'll be scared of you and stay off your lawn and won't trample your Violas or whatever. I mean, there are advantages to the PhD. thing that I think you may not be considering.
Thanks Anna... love you.
Mr. S. I appreciate your concern. Yes, I've thought it through, and yes, I know I'm giving up advantages by walking away. I've thought at lot about it, and considered the possibility that I might just be being a self-important idiot, but in the end, I ask my self what I am going to be most proud of myself for doing, and this is the choice I inescapably come to. Frankly, I've been trying to do this for years now, but finally this is the moment when I can do it without affecting anyone else.
I am devastated to read that you are walking away from the PhD designation.
Yes, it's only a title and yes, it's an honorific at best. However, it is a trump card that will put wings on your heels when you need to lift yourself out of the crowd of oblivion to declare how special you are.
The competition to survive in the real world is fierce. Not everyone is dealing with it successfully. Yet, you are being handed a "Go to the Head of the Line" pass and you are choosing to throw it away.
That is unwise, Joseph, because everyone needs all of the ammunition they can muster to survive in a very unjust world.
What is one more semester in the glorious life that awaits you?
Me Again!
Are you aware that a dating site, offering young Asian girls, is advertising on your blog?
If this ad is being posted via Ad Sense, you have an option to put a filter on the ads to block those that are inappropriate for a gardening blog.
Well, okay. I mean, I would jump at the chance to be a semester away from a Ph.D., personally, but I will restrain myself from badgering you about it. (I'm not wringing my hands! I'm drying my nails![1])
-
[1] (Joke originally Margaret Atwood's.)
While I agree with you about not believing in/getting discouraged by the system (I never finished college), I think you should take a long hard look at this.
The big question is what do you want to do for a living? There are some professions that won't even look at you unless you have the right letters after your name. On the other hand, many employers will throw your resume out as soon as they see the doctorate because you're "overqualified".
Another thing you should consider is how your decision to quit is going to look on your resume. A potential employer is going to look at it and see that you were almost there and just quit and they're going to wonder why.
Best of luck to you whatever you do, but please do yourself the favor of being very certain that this is the right choice for you.
Wowzers Joseph! Didn't see that coming.
You are one of the smartest people I know, and I love that it's totally on your own terms. The fact that you got offered a spot in grad school without even applying shows how amazing you are!
Considering my ill feelings about grad school at the moment, I'm not going to advise to do one thing or another. If there's one thing that's helped me in my decision making lately, it has been that the thought of "getting out" of school has made me unbelievably happy. I'm happier, giddier, and more upbeat about the future than i've been in a long time.
I think we are both fairly frugal people. We aren't spending our money on electronics, expensive clothes, expensive houses, etc. Yes, having a PhD might allow us to get better paying jobs, but I don't think that's the point for either of us. We're going to be happy if what we are doing makes us happy, not according to how much money we make. Just make sure you have health insurance...
If you do want to stick around one more semester, you could always enroll in a cheese making class or something fun like that.
Congratulations on all the learning and hard work! Your decision, to me, is refreshing. I chose to unschool (or drop out, depending on your POV) at 15, and from then on followed my own nose and interests. I'm 31 now, and haven't regretted my decision one bit along the way - never have needed a degree to make good money or open up opportunities. Of course, the career I chose (professional gardener) doesn't require any kind of degree, so what worked for me wouldn't work for someone destined to teach or perform surgery or...
I don't like to think of education as being an isolated time in one's life... It can be ongoing, and there are so many avenues in addition to the generally accepted formal ones. So... here's to your next phase!
Thanks for the comments everyone.
To those of you who have expressed your concern, yes, I have thought very carefully about how this will or will not change my future career, and I'm confident it is the right decision.
And thanks for the heads up about the inappropriate ad, Allan. I think I've decided these ads are more annoyance than they are worth anyway.
How much work would that last semester be? You wouldn't have to defend your dissertation all over again would you? As much as I hated school it seems like when you are so close to something you may as well just do it. Otherwise all that hard work was sort of for nothing.
Just think it over again once you this freeing sense of euphoria has worn off.
And Alan get some kind of ad blocker for your browser. Why see ads at all inappropriate or otherwise? =)
I homeschooled my own kids in a quasi-John-Holtian kind of way, and some have gone on to formal education and others have not. A few have become interested in medical fields where there is no way to get to where they want to go without jumping through the hoops. But they, like you, hate the hoops. I have to say I sympathize with every comment written before mine, both the congratulatory and the drying the nails ones. It is your choice to make, and I am glad you are not my kid. But I wish you happiness and success on your own terms.
I'm always amazed when I meet people who think having a PhD has any reflection on your intelligence. It's just another piece of paper that anyone willing to sidetrack their plans for a few years can get. Though I guess the experience is good at training people to be careful and discriminating...
I hope you got some good out of your experience and good luck with whatever your next step is!
I'm one of those personality types that likes "closure" so it might bug me personally to not have the closure that getting the piece of paper would give me. But that's me. I respect your decision and wish you the best in whatever you decide to do at this fork in your road. Whatever you do, never look back on this fork again. Keep looking ahead and good things will happen.
Joseph, I've been thinking for a week now on what to say. I was carefully organizing arguments to prove my point but at the end...
You don't have to use the letters after your name if you don't want to!
Interesting and understandable. You went the conventional educational route and by your own admission "learned a lot" therefore a benefit was gained. Grad school as I remember it paid a living but barely. You bought your degree so take it. Disillusionment is normal after working in any system. Your love of learning is intact so celebrate. It is easier to criticize the process if you have completed it. You may find you have to spend more time than you like explaining why you did not finish this. I know many wonderful people who do not flaunt their credentials. We never went to our grad school graduations. Never wore the fancy robes. Don't put much stock in titles but never regretted the education. Good luck with this!
Congrats on the new job at Arrowhead. I'm guessing that will involve some possibly less used skills in managing people, as well as plants. Good luck with that.
It's easy to look at other people's lives and wonder how or why they may have messed up. I'm easy, so I would have let you have the degree if you'd really done everything. You wouldn't ever have to use the term, Dr. or PhD. I wish there were some simple way to resolve this?
I lack the optimism of youth and foresee a less prosperous future for the USA (and the world). One where ornamental horticulture may have a low priority.
Those letters before or after your name, may have been a hurdle for having the option of teaching at a college level or doing research. Something about not burning your bridges?
It sounds so unfair, can you write your congressman or something. Sorry that last comment may be a bit of a joke.
Seriously, hope Arrowhead is great.
Charlie
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